SEVEN MONTHS SOBER

If you have been taking drugs for a while and just decide one day you are going to stop on your own, carefully read this. You CANNOT I repeat CANNOT stop abruptly. It is extremely dangerous and could be potentially deadly. You need to ween yourself off of it slowly. In my case, I tried to abruptly stop taking Xanax on my own not knowing exactly what withdrawal was. I honestly felt perfectly fine for the three days I was off of it until I woke up after a seizure that knocked out four teeth and put 12 stitches on my face. Had I know the exact danger of it, I would have at least slowly lowered my dosages until I was ready to be done. But if you seriously have a problem and are aware of it and want to stop, the best thing you can do is go and seek help. If you really are not into the whole treatment deal, there are plenty of 3-7 day detoxes out there that can quickly and safely ween you off of whatever you were using. If you have a problem with drugs or alcohol, your main issue is way deeper. My recommendation would be to get yourself into a treatment center where you are able to uncover the underlying behaviors that bring your addiction to the surface. The best thing, and I will say this an infinite amount of times, the best thing I have ever done for myself is go into treatment.

Even though I went in at a young age (I was only 20), I am so happy that I got the knowledge that I did when I learned it. I have come across many people in their 30's and even 40's that wish they could have gone into treatment at such a young age. They seem to all claim that they have wasted many years of their lives that they can never get back. What many do not realize is that this disease is PROGRESSIVE! Just because you have not gotten to point in which you consider bad does not mean you will not get there if you do not get help.

In my experience, towards the end of my active addiction, things were PROGRESSIVELY getting worse and worse each day. I can share my experience at Phoenix Airport with you. I was waiting for three hours at a layover to fly back to Philadelphia for my Grandfathers 70th birthday party in New Jersey. Might I remind you real quick that I came into this program thinking I only had a problem with drugs and not alcohol (ALCOHOL IS A DRUG!!!!!!!). Well I was sitting at the airport pounding down shots at the bar until I got kicked out and went to another terminal. After getting kicked out of the next bar, three hours had passed and it was time to get on the plane. Well, I was not so successful with that. The stewardess would not allow me on because I was so intoxicated. Therefore, I had to spend the night in Phoenix and pay an extra 400 dollars to fly back in time the next day for my Grandfathers birthday celebration. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO NORMAL PEOPLE! This only happens to alcoholics. Just knowing that this happened towards the end of my active use and that it is a progressive disease helps me to know that I can never drink successfully again. One drink, no matter how long sober, will lead me right back down this terrible path. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and Treatment, or else I would never be able to say this. TODAY I HAVE SEVEN MONTHS SOBER!

People, Places, and Things

These three words are the three most important things people need to think about when getting sober. It is highly recommended against to hang out with the same people you used to use with or live in the same areas you were using in. In my case, I was attending the University of Arizona getting high every single day. I loved college there but just couldn't manage with my addiction. I would love nothing more than to head back to school there. But coming up on 7 months sober, I still do not feel that even with some time put together I could go back there without using. All I have in my recovery is today. And things could be going real well and I may be able to resist the partying at Arizona for a while. But they say, "if you hang around a barber shop long enough, your gonna get a haircut."

So I decided to relocate myself down to South Florida where there is unbelievable recovery. The Delray Beach/Boca Raton area has amazing people who always welcome you with open arms. I am grateful to say I have multiple people I can call at anytime of the day to turn to for support when a struggle comes up.

Drug Addiction Treatment

There are many treatment centers out there that can help you or a loved one get clean and sober. Most importantly, these treatment centers can save your life.

My personal recommendation for anyone looking to get clean and sober is Caron Renaissance.

Caron Renaissance sets itself apart from most treatment centers. Not only does it focus on treating your addiction/alcoholism, it contains a dual-diagnosis treatment that helps to treat underlying behaviors that led to your addiction. It is said that "if nothing changes, nothing changes." With that said, Caron Renaissance makes sure that you get the most out of your treatment. They help guide you to make the changes you need in order to save your life. The family of the patient is heavily involved as well.

Caron Renaissance offers help in many areas.

-Compulsive Gambling
-Grief and Loss
-Trauma
-Anger Resolution
-Body Image

...as well as many other areas you can read about on their website... www.caronrenaissance.org.

Going into Treatment

Going into treatment was extremely tough. I was extremely resistant and did not want to hear anything any therapist wanted to say about me. Why would I want to hear it? I have been using drugs for the last four years to avoid taking a truthful look inside myself. But drugs put aside, treatment was able to show me the young child I had been acting life all of my life. It was time for me to face who I have been hiding from, myself, and become a man.

As I said it was really tough. It was even more difficult to realize that I thought I had been doing a good job hiding who I really was when all the people who cared about me got a full spoonful plus more of the real Matt. I am going to be honest, everyone who knew me, knew more about me than I did. I was a chameleon. Meaning I would adjust to certain people and situations, never exposing the true Matt because I was way too scared of what other people thought of me. The therapists in my treatment center were extremely quick to jumping on this and realizing it. I would act different in groups to different therapists. It was absolutely time for a change. I was put on many directives and assigned plenty of treatment work to figure out the root cause of Matt the Chameleon. I was able to take that true look at myself that I never cared to look at. I learned through treatment who I really was and that I can be comfortable exposing who I really am to anyone. What YOU think about ME is not my business.

Day 204

In a week from today I will have 7 months sober. I cannot put words to how amazing it feels. I have just decided today that I would like to share my daily experiences with others in recovery by blogging about what is going on in my new found life. For now, I will start way back from the beginning.

I had an issue with anti-depressants and marijuana that I could not stop on my own. I knew I wanted to stop but couldn't figure out why I was unable to do so. I was pretty good at hiding what I was doing from important people in my life and would create smokescreens to cover up for what was really going on. I had over a 3.5 GPA in college my sophomore year, had an amazing girlfriend, and a family who loved me more than anything. So from the outside looking in, it was hard to look at me and see that I was abusing drugs. But the smokescreen began to fade away rapidly. During my junior year of college, I was so heavily into these substances that they got in the way of what was really important to me. The five class schedule that I started the year off with quickly vanished to just two courses. Those two courses were not even remotely a part of my life. I ended up using everyday and completely disobeying my own beliefs on what I had truly come to college for. Instead of doing my school work I got high. I wound up with a 1.5 GPA that semester. From a parents perspective, something had to be going wrong if my GPA had dropped over 2 points. 

So I went out and told them what was going on with my abuse crying out for help. But swore to them I would do it on my own. Little did I know, there was no chance I could do it without the help of professionals. We will get to that later. So it was my winter break, December 14, 2010. I had been trying to quit these drugs on my own and finally put three days together of not doing them. Then I started to go into complete withdrawal from the anti-depressants, without even knowing the severity of the possible withdrawal effects. 

So on this very day, I was down in beautiful Boca Raton, Florida spending my winter break at my grandparents apartment with my mother and two grandparents. We had just gone out to a nice dinner and I was not feeling any of those withdrawal effects. Once we got back from the restaurant, the grandparents went to bed. My Mom and I were out in the living room watching hockey. Now I will try my best to paint the picture for you.

My mother stepped into the bathroom. I was in the room alone watching the TV feeling perfectly fine. While Mom was in the bathroom, she heard some weird noises so she decided to come out. When she entered the living room, she found me as I lay face first in a huge pool of blood. She came up to me scared out of her mind to see that I was not breathing. She flipped me over and I was completely blue, still not a breath. Grandparents came out of bed after hearing the frantic cry of my mother to add to the crying and fear of what had happened to their Grandson. It appears as if I was dead.

Finally after pumping me, I finally released a few breaths. The paramedics came and I woke up in a hospital. Now let me tell you, I have absolutely NO recollection of what happened. But the Medical Center made me aware that I had a seizure. After staying in the ICU for 2 nights, 12 stitches on my face, 4 lost teeth,  and doing several tests, it came out that the seizure came upon withdrawal from anti-depressants. So my parents finally made the decision to get me help.

I entered treatment in a facility in Wernersville, PA for a 31 day program. Once I got there, I learned of plenty more drugs, ones that I had not done and which I thought had been more severe than what I was doing. Immediately I felt I did not belong and begged to go home. The therapists in the facility convinced me to stay so I decided to give it a shot.  But after a few weeks, my therapist told me I had to then go to an extended care treatment which I strongly resisted for a while. They told me I would have to go to another center down in Boca Raton for 84 days once I completed my 31 day stay in PA. I was furious because I thought I did my time and was cured. 

Well boy was I lucky that I came down to Boca, which might I remind you, was the same place where I had my seizure. Coming to Boca was the best decision I have ever made. I entered a dual-diagnosis treatment program to focus on all of the underlying behaviors leading to my addiction. This is where I really admitted I had a problem. The treatment was the toughest 6 months of my life (the 84 days was just a minimum requirement). I learned so much about myself and was determined to finally become a man and stop living like a selfish child. 

I hated the life I used to live. I lied, stole, and was the most selfish person I ever knew. So in order to change, I would need to change EVERYTHING about myself. The cliche saying is, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." But don't get me wrong, for a little while down in Boca, I was pretty resistant to changing because I thought I knew better than the professionally licensed therapist. But then it dawned upon me, what does a 20 year guy that has not even completed college TRULY know? Was I really smarter than these people? Or should I just believe and trust that they know what they are doing? So I gave it a shot, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

I followed all of their recommendations. I got a sponsor for Alcoholics Anonymous, regularly attended meetings, and learned to financially support myself on my own. I got a job that I loved, was paying my own rent, paying for food, and paying for a cell phone for the first time in my life. It feels so good to actually do stuff on my own. I learned that when being handed things for free all my life, I was not doing well. Material things are not what make a person happy. What does is doing estimable  things everyday that are not difficult to accomplish. It is the little things that you do daily that paint a much larger picture in the long run.

I went from being a huge pessimist to an amazing optimist. Things have been really good since I have started my recovery but they have not been easy. After having this job I loved for a month in a half, I got laid off while being replaced by a computer program. But instead of reverting back to my old ways and using drugs to try and fix the issue, I thought about all the positive things I could do for the time being. I knew it was not the end of the world and that I have been given the tools to get over the little bump in the road. I also just recently turned 21. I thought to myself, how could I not drink on my 21st birthday I am such a loser. But it is a life or death situation whether or not I decide to pickup a drink, so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor, and my higher power, I did not even have the thought to drink that day. Plus I have had a 21st birthday everyday since I was 17 so it was just another day in recovery in my mind. 

So today I am a really happy and grateful person for all the blessings I have been given. I have done a complete 180 from where I was at on December 14 when I had my seizure. I have God in my life and realizing that is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Today I do not have a job and am still looking constantly for one, but all that matters is that I did NOT drink or drug today! If I keep putting in the footwork, the job will come, I just have to continue to have faith that my higher power has put this in my path and he will not put anything in front of me that is not feasible.