I had an issue with anti-depressants and marijuana that I could not stop on my own. I knew I wanted to stop but couldn't figure out why I was unable to do so. I was pretty good at hiding what I was doing from important people in my life and would create smokescreens to cover up for what was really going on. I had over a 3.5 GPA in college my sophomore year, had an amazing girlfriend, and a family who loved me more than anything. So from the outside looking in, it was hard to look at me and see that I was abusing drugs. But the smokescreen began to fade away rapidly. During my junior year of college, I was so heavily into these substances that they got in the way of what was really important to me. The five class schedule that I started the year off with quickly vanished to just two courses. Those two courses were not even remotely a part of my life. I ended up using everyday and completely disobeying my own beliefs on what I had truly come to college for. Instead of doing my school work I got high. I wound up with a 1.5 GPA that semester. From a parents perspective, something had to be going wrong if my GPA had dropped over 2 points.
So I went out and told them what was going on with my abuse crying out for help. But swore to them I would do it on my own. Little did I know, there was no chance I could do it without the help of professionals. We will get to that later. So it was my winter break, December 14, 2010. I had been trying to quit these drugs on my own and finally put three days together of not doing them. Then I started to go into complete withdrawal from the anti-depressants, without even knowing the severity of the possible withdrawal effects.
So on this very day, I was down in beautiful Boca Raton, Florida spending my winter break at my grandparents apartment with my mother and two grandparents. We had just gone out to a nice dinner and I was not feeling any of those withdrawal effects. Once we got back from the restaurant, the grandparents went to bed. My Mom and I were out in the living room watching hockey. Now I will try my best to paint the picture for you.
My mother stepped into the bathroom. I was in the room alone watching the TV feeling perfectly fine. While Mom was in the bathroom, she heard some weird noises so she decided to come out. When she entered the living room, she found me as I lay face first in a huge pool of blood. She came up to me scared out of her mind to see that I was not breathing. She flipped me over and I was completely blue, still not a breath. Grandparents came out of bed after hearing the frantic cry of my mother to add to the crying and fear of what had happened to their Grandson. It appears as if I was dead.
Finally after pumping me, I finally released a few breaths. The paramedics came and I woke up in a hospital. Now let me tell you, I have absolutely NO recollection of what happened. But the Medical Center made me aware that I had a seizure. After staying in the ICU for 2 nights, 12 stitches on my face, 4 lost teeth, and doing several tests, it came out that the seizure came upon withdrawal from anti-depressants. So my parents finally made the decision to get me help.
I entered treatment in a facility in Wernersville, PA for a 31 day program. Once I got there, I learned of plenty more drugs, ones that I had not done and which I thought had been more severe than what I was doing. Immediately I felt I did not belong and begged to go home. The therapists in the facility convinced me to stay so I decided to give it a shot. But after a few weeks, my therapist told me I had to then go to an extended care treatment which I strongly resisted for a while. They told me I would have to go to another center down in Boca Raton for 84 days once I completed my 31 day stay in PA. I was furious because I thought I did my time and was cured.
Well boy was I lucky that I came down to Boca, which might I remind you, was the same place where I had my seizure. Coming to Boca was the best decision I have ever made. I entered a dual-diagnosis treatment program to focus on all of the underlying behaviors leading to my addiction. This is where I really admitted I had a problem. The treatment was the toughest 6 months of my life (the 84 days was just a minimum requirement). I learned so much about myself and was determined to finally become a man and stop living like a selfish child.
I hated the life I used to live. I lied, stole, and was the most selfish person I ever knew. So in order to change, I would need to change EVERYTHING about myself. The cliche saying is, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." But don't get me wrong, for a little while down in Boca, I was pretty resistant to changing because I thought I knew better than the professionally licensed therapist. But then it dawned upon me, what does a 20 year guy that has not even completed college TRULY know? Was I really smarter than these people? Or should I just believe and trust that they know what they are doing? So I gave it a shot, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I followed all of their recommendations. I got a sponsor for Alcoholics Anonymous, regularly attended meetings, and learned to financially support myself on my own. I got a job that I loved, was paying my own rent, paying for food, and paying for a cell phone for the first time in my life. It feels so good to actually do stuff on my own. I learned that when being handed things for free all my life, I was not doing well. Material things are not what make a person happy. What does is doing estimable things everyday that are not difficult to accomplish. It is the little things that you do daily that paint a much larger picture in the long run.
I went from being a huge pessimist to an amazing optimist. Things have been really good since I have started my recovery but they have not been easy. After having this job I loved for a month in a half, I got laid off while being replaced by a computer program. But instead of reverting back to my old ways and using drugs to try and fix the issue, I thought about all the positive things I could do for the time being. I knew it was not the end of the world and that I have been given the tools to get over the little bump in the road. I also just recently turned 21. I thought to myself, how could I not drink on my 21st birthday I am such a loser. But it is a life or death situation whether or not I decide to pickup a drink, so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, my sponsor, and my higher power, I did not even have the thought to drink that day. Plus I have had a 21st birthday everyday since I was 17 so it was just another day in recovery in my mind.
So today I am a really happy and grateful person for all the blessings I have been given. I have done a complete 180 from where I was at on December 14 when I had my seizure. I have God in my life and realizing that is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Today I do not have a job and am still looking constantly for one, but all that matters is that I did NOT drink or drug today! If I keep putting in the footwork, the job will come, I just have to continue to have faith that my higher power has put this in my path and he will not put anything in front of me that is not feasible.
Nicely said. One day at a time. Continue to make a difference.
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